Really NSFW

Lately I've come to be acquainted with some young lesbian couples. They are so very out, and so free. They are happy, and they do not hide their relationships, nor who and what they are. They are living their lives as anyone should be living life - honestly, without apology and reveling in their lives. How special that is. How wonderful to be connected with everyone around with no sexual filtering. Are they aware of the threshold that held the older of us back, the threshold that is behind them? Do they know how enriched their lives are? Do they taste the sweetness?

I grew up in mid-century, born smack dab in the 1950's. It wasn't cool to be lesbian. It wasn't something anyone talked about. Nor was it hardly even whispered of anywhere in my white, North American suburb. For that matter, I hardly identified as lesbian. I had feelings but had no clue how I was going to live with them, much less act on them. Feelings that I could only act on in writing and song.

My young adulthood was spent living the lie. Having hidden relationships, but it was a dual life. I dated men at times. It was a hollow life of unhappiness where I felt no one could ever be my soul mate, or if they were, would my choice be such that I could ever tell my family? The end result is that I grew apart from my family. Not quite a rift, but definitely away. So much fear kept me living that lie.

Fear.Is.Ugly.

I did settle into a relationship in the late seventies and eighties. But it was a poisoned relationship. Neither of us could be honest with straight friends, or even family. She slipped into a sea of alcoholism, and I slipped into a sea of anger. Neither of us could break the mold together. Instead, we broke ourselves.

It took a long time, but eventually I found my soul mate - again. (A story for another blog posting someday.) We were in our late 30's by then. The world had changed quite a lot in the eighteen years since we had first met. It was time to live out. There was no longer time to waste on fear.

Fear keeps you from moving forward, did you know that?

Well then, FUCK THE FEAR! No more living a lie.

It took me twenty years of being an adult to revel in my love, my happiness, and now my family. What a waste of time.

I am grateful that my family of origin now accepts my own family now. I still want to filter - sometimes. Can't say that I'm totally comfortable, but I do my best, and I'm glad that young men and women here in the U.S. today can choose to be as out as they desire. It's not always that simple, I know, but they do have opportunities that didn't exist just a mere twenty years ago.